


Even a fool knows you’re my everything

by illaS_fantasies99



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Cuddling & Snuggling, Defeating their fears, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fighting their inner demons, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Han Jisung | Han-centric, How Do I Tag, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idols, Lee Minho | Lee Know-centric, Mental Breakdown, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, My First Fanfic, Platonic Cuddling, Sassy Minho, Secret Crush, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, idol life is hard, they are all stressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:20:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28007598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illaS_fantasies99/pseuds/illaS_fantasies99
Summary: For Jisung and Minho, skinship is the main form of interaction. But there's always a time limit to which one can deny their feelings. The true self will always find its own way through the cracks of the wall, no matter how tall, thick or many they are, revealing even the supposedly well hidden secrets they had kept from themselves.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix & Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 66





	1. I'll be on the way in the middle of night

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language and this is my first fanfic ever, so I'm sorry for any mistake or plot hole! Hope you enjoy it anyway <3  
> I'll be thankful for any kudos, comment, positive or negative feedback!

For Jisung and Minho, skinship was the main form of interaction. They loved to cuddle, sometimes just to bother the other, but during hard times they found comfort in it, without having to say a single word. They started doing this not long after their first meet, learning that they were both touchy with people. Patting on the shoulder gradually became hugging and snuggling whenever they had free time, during the breaks and at the end of their schedules.

Their favourite game was making the other have a gay panic attack, especially during the live streams. At a certain point, the members became suspicious of their friendship, assuming they were more than friends by their sparkles in the eyes and how close they were all the time. The two boys even shared pecks on the cheeks and few times on the lips, in a platonic way, during truth or dare, or just to annoy each other. That was what they always claimed, to their friends and themselves as well. At least they tried to – somewhere deep down their hearts, they have been aware of their feelings since forever, yet they denied them whenever the subject was opened, bringing various excuses as arguments.

One late evening, something was about to change.

The end of their free day in a long time found the two members cuddling on the couch with a movie playing on a laptop while the other members were making the most of that day, doing whatever in their rooms. What Jisung had planned was to lay in his bed and watch any movie, maybe write lyrics too, but his intentions were ruined by an extremely clingy Minho that demanded to cuddle. Eventually, the younger gave up on his plans, supposing how hard it was for his hyung. He knew how he felt on some of these days – even though he was glad to have a break and talk more to his parents, it all got back to him at night, making him miss them so much that it hurt. He considered himself a terrible son, barely calling his parents and asking them how they were, ending the call quickly as the short breaks were over. He also blamed himself for being that needy for Jisung’s touch, but he chose to neglect those feelings again that evening, letting the younger’s body embrace his soul with warmth and comfort, his heart convincing his brain that it was alright to be a little bit selfish once in a blue moon.

Since the living room couch wasn’t giving Jisung the same comfort as his bed, he was glad to at least get to watch the movie he wanted to. Still, at some point, Minho’s head resting on his chest became strangely more distracting than it should. He had no clue why he couldn’t focus on the movie – or he knew, but he wouldn’t admit it. It felt unusual : they did this a thousand times before, yet that night something was different, and they didn’t know why then out of all times. After a while, Minho broke the silence.

“Jisung?”

He didn’t answer.

“Jisung-ah.” he called again. He pretended to be too into the movie to answer, although Minho knew he had stopped paying attention to it.

“Come on, you can’t ignore me while I’m right here.”

“Shut up, I can’t hear the movie.

They stayed silent for a while, the younger hoping that he’d given up.

“Jisung-ah.” His tone changed, becoming more serious as he snuggled closer in his chest.

“What?” the younger was already annoyed at this point.

“Can I stay with you tonight?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Aish hyung you have your own bed for a reason!”

“Please…” his voice broke down at the end, as he was fighting back his tears. Jisung knew he had no chance to win this fight.

“Okay, okay, just tonight. And you have to buy me cheesecake.”

“Thanks.” Minho responded, smiling sadly in his chest.

As the room went quiet again, the movie barely audible and ending soon, the youngster hoped Minho would fall asleep fast and morning came even faster so he would escape from the warm body that was clinging to him like he was his oxygen. His hopes were shattered once more.

“Jisung-ah.”

“What now?”

Minho got up from his previous position, both noticing the chilling air on their skin.

“Can I kiss you?”

 _This boy can’t be serious_ , Jisung thought, still he said it with such honesty. They never did that in a meaningful way, every single time it happened randomly, either intending to go for the cheek and ending up on the lips, either doing it as a joke, game or not, being just a quick, 1 second long touch of the lips. Now the other male was referring to it as a kiss – a thing only couples do, in his opinion – and he hoped he didn’t have some romantic scenario in his head. He concluded Minho was just playing with him, wishing to experience that satisfaction at the sight of a panicked Jisung one more time. He didn’t want to let him win that time and did something he didn’t knew he would beat himself up for later : he grabbed his face and placed his lips on his.

Minho was shocked, too shocked to respond in any way, panic obviously making its appearance in his eyes. It wasn’t like he had never desired what he asked for, be it even a tiny bit. There was a part of him screaming for that intimate interaction, cuddling and having Jisung’s arm around him not enough anymore. However, he couldn’t accept his true sentiments, so he lied to himself that it was merely part of their game, their regular stuff. While he was processing everything, the other one started laughing silently, not to wake up the probably asleep members, Minho’s reaction being quite hilarious. He rarely got to revenge all the times when the older joked around with him, he just couldn’t beat him in their competition. But his hyung’s reaction was worth everything. For the moment at least, as he was going to regret it sooner or later.

The boy returned to his spot, trying not to make the atmosphere awkward. He was excessively judging himself for asking that question. He didn’t know what to do, he had to pretend that nothing major had happened. On the other hand, he somehow anticipated that he couldn’t ignore forever all the doubts running through his head. After few minutes of hush, it was time to say something, anything.

“I think I’m feeling better… I should go to sleep.”  
Jisung couldn’t be happier to hear that.  
“Sleep well, hyung.”, he replied as he got up to shut down his laptop and get ready for bed.  
“You too.”, he answered, “and thank you”  
“Ah you’re welcome. But I’m still waiting for that cheesecake.”  
Minho rolled his eyes as he started walking towards his shared bedroom.

“I’m not staying for the night, the deal is off.”

Once settled in his bed, the older started scolding himself. Why in the world did he ask that? What was he thinking? Yes, he had been lonely in the past weeks, maybe months, though since when did he yearn to get rid of his loneliness by kissing his younger member? Besides, there was a question that wouldn't stop bothering him - did he like it? Yes, most likely, although he didn't dare to answer it. Even if he barely got to process it as it lasted milliseconds, it sort of made him feel better, that he wasn’t all alone. He couldn't let that happen, he couldn't start liking kissing his friend, he couldn't let himself think about kissing him every single time he saw him.

On the contrary, Jisung decided that the moment was no different than the other ones they shared, so he reacted accordingly : everything was just their never ending war, there was no reason to overthink it. He had won just one battle, but it was a thing to be proud of. Beating Minho wasn't easy to do, be it something serious or silly like this. However, the pride would never last forever. Eventually, no weapons would be strong enough to fight against his true feelings and he was yet to know it.

Nevertheless, there was one truth hidden within themselves - both their bodies were secretly longing for the warm figure that kept them warm during the past 2 hours.

* * *

Days later, Jisung was practicing by himself in the practice room, in spite of the clock showing 3:40 am. He needed to get rid of the thoughts that were eating him alive and the best option he had was dancing. He couldn’t get one move right and kept playing the same verse of the song over and over again, that until he just couldn’t hold it in anymore. He was so exhausted and annoyed that he sit on the floor, knees to this chest, and let it all out, tears running down his face. Soon he started sobbing, the tightening sensation in his chest growing with every second.

Right then, Minho entered the room. He was there to get his phone charger he had forgotten earlier that day. Not that he couldn’t borrow one for the time being, he had also been struggling with falling asleep for the past hours, hence he used it as an excuse to take a night walk without Chan scolding him. When he arrived at the place, he froze at the sight of the younger weeping loudly in the room.

“Jisung-ah? What happened?”

Jisung hurried to wipe the tears from the cheeks.

“Nothing.”, he answered quietly, albeit sharply.

Minho wasn’t going to let this go that easily, he was too concerned.

“Why are you crying? Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine.” The younger answered, slightly annoyed. Knowing there was no way out of the situation, he got up and walked towards the door, whispering a brief “I’m going to the bathroom” as he left the room. He took his time in the hallway toilet, hoping that Minho would just go back to the dorms already.

Unfortunately, things with Minho never went the way he wished.

He entered the room again, startling when he saw the older on the couch, scrolling through his social media.

“Oh, you’re back.”

“Why are you still here, hyung? Go back to the dorms already.”

“I was worried. You still didn’t tell me why you were crying.”

“It’s nothing, hyung, really. You can leave.”

“What about you? It’s almost 4am, are you planning to sleep here?”

Jisung refused to answer. He felt the stress building up again, million of thoughts occupying his mind. He moved towards the corner of the room, where his phone was connected to the speakers, aiming to replay the song, but Minho caught on fast, stopping him before picking it up from the floor.

“Let me go, hyung.”

“Jisung-ah what’s with this act?!”

“Not your business. Just go already.”

“I won’t without you, I also told Chan-hyung that I’d take you to the dorms.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“Jisung stop it, let’s go.”

“No.”

“Jisung-“

“I said no, can’t you leave me alone already? I’m not in the mood for this.”

Minho had no intention of doing that. He took the younger in his arms, hoping it would help him even a little.

It was their first close interaction after the last one that ended up with a kiss. Ever since, they lowkey avoided each other, neglecting anything related to that evening. They refused to think that the kiss was something more than a simple touch, than their usual skinship. Of course they couldn't keep away from each other forever, but at least they could have limited the interactions for the time being.

Jisung hated himself; he hated not being able to push his hyung away, he hated that he needed him. Right then he had no power over his body. He was tired and vulnerable, so he just leaned into Minho’s touch, his eyes getting teary again, eyelids getting heavier. He hoped not to be able to acknowledge it, yet it was true that his hyung's touch calmed him. He felt safe in his arms, that nothing was ever going to hurt him there, that he could show his true self to the other boy with no fear. Few tears escaped from his eyes, although he was so exhausted that he couldn't even cry.

"Let's go back and get some sleep, hmm?" Minho interrupted the silence that took over the room. His voice was calming him even more. With barely any power in his limbs, Jisung disconnected his phone from the speakers. He then let the cold air of the night refresh his mind, getting sleepier and sleepier on their way back.


	2. Let's go find the stars without a clue

3racha were spending another evening in their small studio, Chan writing songs on his computer while Changbin and Jisung were sitting on the small couch, putting their feelings on paper.

Changbin seemed more distracted than ever. Thousand of ideas were running through his head 5 miles per hour but he couldn’t catch any of them properly. He kept erasing and rewriting the same lyrics over and over again, sighing as the paper broke.

“Hyung”, Jisung said quietly not wishing to disturb the calm atmosphere, “maybe you should get some fresh air.”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Hyung-“

“I said I’m fine, don’t worry.”

Both of them knew he was lying. Chan decided to take a break as well, needing to help his friend.

“Changbin-ah. Did anything happen?”

“You know you can tell us anything, hyung.” Jisung completed.

“And you know we won’t leave you alone until you do.”

“Well… it’s nothing much, just something Felix had asked me few days ago and I couldn’t answer his question…”

“Anything we can help with, hyung?"

“I don’t think you can help with this though...”

“You never know.”, the youngest answered.

“Or if you’re not ready now, take your time, we will always be here for you.”, Chan concluded.

Changbin exhaled louder than he intended to.

The room went silent again. The two boys had an idea about what it was, although they couldn’t jump to a conclusion like that. Everyone knew the boys in cause were as close as Minho and Jisung, and the members suspected their friendship as well. Despire that, again, they didn’t plan at all to interfere. Was it really about their not-so-official relationship? They had no option but to wait for the boy to open up. Changbin couldn’t go back to what he was doing like the other two, so he started starring at the wall.

“I think Chan-hyung may help me a little…”

Jisung had to throw a pillow at him to catch his attention, then added : “Should I come back later?”

“It’s ok, you can stay.”

“Well, whenever you are ready, tell me.” The oldest said.

“I- I’ve been wondering what you’d think about…. uhm….. if… iftwoofthememberstarteddating.”

He finished the sentence in a full rap mode, the boys not being able to catch anything.

“Can you repeat that, please?” the leader asked.

“If… if two of the members started… uhm… dating… would you be ok with that?”

“You mean you and Felix?”

Changbin scratched his neck nervously, not daring to look his hyung in the eyes.

“yOU AND FELIX ARE DATING???” Jisung practically yelled.

“Ah you’re too loud. No, we aren’t.”

“Why do you think I wouldn’t be ok with it?”, Chan started off.

“Because it might ruin the teamwork…”

“I think you two being awkward and avoiding each other because of your sentiments would destroy the teamwork, not this.”

“We’re idols… we can’t date.”

“Who says that? I mean, yes, we have some unrealistic interdictions, but after all we are still human beings and humans have feelings which makes them pretty amazing.”

“And fans don’t have to know you are actually in a relationship, they will be happy to receive quality fanservice. They ship you two a lot anyway.”, Jisung continued.

“Still, the company and the managers… It will turn out bad if they find out.”

“But they don’t have to find out. We could easily cover up for you, and it’s not like we never showed skinship in front of them. There’s no way they’d become suspicious unless you kiss in front of them.”

Changbin had to admit, Chan’s arguments were really strong.

“And they’re not with us 24/7, they don’t have to know if you hug or kiss or do something else in the room.”

Changbin threw a pillow at Jisung.

“We can’t lie to them…”

“You won’t lie to them though. Do you really think they’d ask you two if you’re dating?”

“MCs might at shows… and I’m not a good liar.”

“Changbin-hyung. I think you’re just afraid of this change so you’re trying hard to find all these stupid excuses. Listen to your heart and let yourself be happy. Are you really gonna pretend that you two don’t like each other and stay like this forever?”

“Isn’t that what you and Minho are doing?”

Jisung threw the pillow back at him.

“We don’t like each other.”

“I really wouldn’t mind if you and Felix decided to officialise your relationship, Changbin-ah. I will be more than glad to see you two happy together, I am rooting for you. And I’m sure the others will be supportive as well.”

“I mean Minho-hyung might tease you a lot…”

“But maybe you will tell your boyfriend to mind his business.”

“He’s not my boyfriend!!!”

Changbin didn’t know what to say anymore, the interior conflict monopolising his mind.

“Ah I really don’t know…”

“Well, you really like Felix, don’t you?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Then don’t be a coward. You may be afraid of fighting, breaking up and ruining the team, but if you really care about each other, then you will talk any small inconvenience out. Besides, it’s not like other members have never fought before and we got over it somehow. Just go for it and do your best, I know you can do it. We will always be here for you when you need advice.”

“And if that isn’t convincing enough, think about what other options you have. What will happen if you don’t do anything, avoid each other until your feelings die, if that moment would ever come? Because I don’t think you will be able to be just friends again."

"You're right..." Changbin started pouting while picturing not being close with Felix anymore.

"I guess only he can shutter your fears anyway."

"I should really talk to him, right?”

"Go.", Chan ordered.

"Huh?"

"Go talk to him."

"Now?"

"If not know, when, hyung?"

"But I’m not ready."

"You’ll never be."

Looking at his wrinkled paper, covered in scribbled words, he realised Jisung was saying only the truth. The perfect moment would never come no matter how much he waited. It was time he created it.

"Do you know if they’re still practicing?"

"I think so."

"Again?! I told them to take it easy and rest when they have the chance!", the leader complained, being the protective father he had always been.

“They’re telling you the same, hyung, and you never listen…”, Changbin muttered loud enough only for Jisung to hear.

Before Changbin went out the door, Chan shouted.

"Tell them I said to stop practicing and go home!!"

"Ok dad."

After the boy left the studio to go get himself a boyfriend, the two males were looking at each other for a while, contemplating the previous events.

"Ah, being young and in love..." the younger was peaking just like an oldster.

"Aren't you young and in love as well?"

"In love with my music, yes."

"Kids these days, never true to themselves…", Chan whispered before going back to working on his beats.

* * *

Changbin slowly entered the dance practice room, hoping not to disturb them, and sit on the couch, waiting for the song to end. Once it did, he transmitted the leader’s message.

“Chan-hyung says you should stop practicing and go home.”

“Like he listens when we’re telling him to stop working so much and get some decent sleep.”, Hyunjin answered, sitting on the couch.

Right then, Felix caught Changbin’s eyes, their meeting of looks speaking for them until the older broke the eye contact.

“Shall we call it a day then?” Hyunjin asked, getting four affirmative responses.

While the five boys were getting their things, Changbin was desperately searching for a way to get Felix’s attention in a subtle way. Realising he had spent too much time thinking that he might lose this chance, he got up and started walking towards the boy.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Felix replied in a rather cold manner. _He must be tired_ , the other thought.

The other boys were already gone, leaving them alone.

“Can we… talk?”

“Now?”

Changbin was taken aback by the younger’s tone. He starting sweating, anxiety level increasing rapidly, thinking that he had really missed the timing. Felix didn’t mean to come off like that, he was just surprised that the older boy finally stopped ignoring him.

“A-ah I guess you are tired now, so… we can save it for another time…”

“No, no, it’s fine hyung.”  
“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Let’s just… sit down and talk?”

The older nodded, minutes of infernal quiet following this. Changbin didn’t know how to start the talk, he just continued to imagine different scenarios of it.

“If you don’t know how to start, do you mind if I do?” Felix broke the silence, startling his hyung.

“No… go on…”, he answered hesitantly.

“W-when I asked you to be my boyfriend five days ago, I don’t know if it came out like a joke or not… At first I thought like <<wow we are so close it’s almost like we’re boyfriends>>. But then I realised I would want it to be real because I… I really like you hyung. More than I should, more than friends. If you don’t feel the same-“

“I also like you Felix, a lot more than I should, a lot more than friends.”

Felix looked in his eyes for the first time since they’ve been left alone, finding the older already staring at him with his calming eyes.

“Then…”

“I do want to be your boyfriend…”

“Why do I feel like there’s also a but?”

Changbin wished he was the cool and brave Stray Kids member that always amazed everyone with his powerful rap.

“Because there is. But I’m scared of this. If we became, umm, boyfriends…we’d have a lot to risk. Our careers, our friendship… And I really ca’t afford to lose them.”

Felix felt his chest tightening. He had considered himself ready for a rejection, although he didn’t know it would hurt him that much.

“I-if you’re not ready… I understand…”

He tried to hide his pain so the other wouldn’t know how affected he actually was.

“It’s… it’s not that I’m not ready… ah how to put it in words…”

“It’s ok hyung, you don’t have to explain-“

“No, let me finish, please. It’s just… I am not confident enough to do this. I am scared of the worst possible consequences, but I think only you can shutter away my fears.”

“What do you mean, hyung?”

“What I want to say is… I need your help to gather some courage. Like, I don’t know, just kiss me or-“

He didn’t even get to finish the sentence as he felt the younger’s lips on his. He had always imagined how they would feel, yet it was beyond his imagination. They were incredibly soft, making him believe he was kissing a cloud, floating in the air.

Felix broke the 5-seconds interaction after what felt like an eternity for them. He was a blushing mess, trying to process what he had done.

“Felix-ah,”, Changbin called, not managing to make the other look at him. He guided his hands to his cheeks, then turned his head to face him and continued. “Let’s try this. Let’s make it work.”

The boy just nodded, still shy because of their first kiss.

“We should go back to the dorms now, it’s getting late.”

“Aren’t you going back to the studio?”

“Nah, I’m done for today.”

“But… your things?”

“I’ll go there tomorrow morning anyway, so… let’s get going.”

Under no circumstances was he ready to face the two members at the moment, knowing Jisung wouldn’t keep his curiosities to himself and Chan would have held another speech, overjoyed to see his friends happy.

They walked back to their apartment in a peacefull stillness, only filled by the sounds of the night.

“Are Jisung-ah and Chan-hyung going to work until late again?” Felix suddenly said, almost making Changbin flinch.

“Huh? Well, maybe… We never plan how much time to spend there, we just let our ideas flow and lose track of time.”

“Hyung, you should all get proper sleep.”

“We are, don’t worry about us.”

That summed up their whole interaction during the short walk. They knew they had a long way to go and all they could do at that moment was to smile softly, trying to process the events that had just happened.

* * *

The next day, worthless to say, Chan and Jisung were curious about how their talk went, but Changbin hoped to avoid the questions until forever. He hesitated a while in front of the 3racha studio room, until he gathered the courage needed to face the two members.

"Ah, Felix's boyfriend is here!!" Jisung said, making him regret having entered that room. Unfortunately, his face was giving him away.

"So, it went good?" Chan asked, not assuming things that early.

"Y-yeah, I guess..." Changbin answered, rubbing his neck nervously.

"Really?! You're together now? Like dating for real?" Jisung basically screamed.

"Well we are, uhm, taking it slowly..."

“I'm really happy for you two, I'm positive that things will go well and I'm supporting you 100%. And don’t forget that you can come to me whenever you have a problem." Chan was smiling brightly, one second away from squeaking.

"Yaaa I can't believe you have a boyf-"

"Ah look at the time, we got to meet the others now." Changbin cut Jisung off.

"Aww you’re gonna meet your boyfriend~" the younger teased him.

"Awww you too, Minho's-"

He didn't get to say it as Jisung attempted to hit him with his leg, failing utterly.

That was the moment he realised he was in for a lot of teasing, especially after they'd tell the others as well. However, he was ready to go through this hell as long as the freckles boy was near him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, Changlix wasn't planned in the original idea but I'm happy with the final result (ᵔᴥᵔ)


	3. Shadows leave excuses breaking through

It took Changbin and Felix some time to tell the group about their relationship. Not only did they wanted to get used to it first, to process the huge change of their lives, but also to postpone the historical moment for the group. They wondered how would things evolve after two of them would officially become more than brothers. Obviously, the members' acceptance wasn't to be doubted, they were just terrified of the extreme scenario in which it turned out to be the point where everything started to fall apart.

Finally, they decided to announce it frankly, one night after dinner.

"So uhm... I have something to tell you guys.", Changbin started off nervously.

Chan and Jisung gave him encouraging looks. They knew it wasn't easy for them to bring up the subject, regardless of how much Jisung had joked about it.

"Me and..... me and Felix… are.... dating. Like, an official couple."

Literally no one was shocked. They knew it would happen sooner or later, it was too obvious they liked each other.

Hyunjin was the first one to speak.

"Well, congrats, we were waiting for this day."

"But please don't be gross." Jeongin completed, earning Seungmin's agreement.

"So like, from now on you'll shower together to save time?" Minho couldn't be happier to have the chance to tease the two members.

"Oh I don’t think it will take less time if they go in together…" Jisung jumped in, a pillow hitting his face immediately. Felix, on the other hand, laughed, especially because of how flustered his boyfriend was. He hold his hand subtly to let him know that he was there for him, his smile making Changbin feel the butterflies in his stomach go crazy. He was indeed starting to fall for the boy sitting next to him.

"Well, I'm really happy for you two and I'm proud that you had the courage to come out to us." Chan said with his deep dimples showing.

"I think all of us are going to give you all our support.", Seungmin encouraged them, followed by four other affirmative responses.

Minho being Minho, he couldn't keep his curiosities to himself.

"For how long have you been hiding this though?"

"Umm...3 weeks?"

"Oooh then that was what you talked about in the practice room back then..." Jeongin recalled.

"I remember!!! Now it makes sense why Changbin was all nervous.", Minho made fun of him again.

"Ah why do you remember that~" Changbin's ears were red, thinking how awkward that whole night was. Since Felix was laughing, he realised then he could go through as much embarrassment and teasing as needed just to see him grin so brightly.

The whole time, despite joking about the couple together with Minho, Jisung couldn't stop some questions from running through his head. How would it have been if he had the same type of relationship with Minho? Did he have that wish deep down his heart? Was the older making him feel things he shouldn't have? He had never questioned his sexuality before, mostly because of the lack of a love life, still he was gazing at his hyung and not in a manner that friends do. It was really weird, that was the only way to describe it. Being lost in his train of thoughts, he didn't notice that the older was starring back at him, emotions hard to decipher in his eyes. _What does all this mean?_ was the last unanswered question Jisung had before Seungmin snapped his fingers in front of him to catch his attention.

"Jisung-hyung?"

"Hmm?"

"We asked you if you wanted to watch his movie."

It took him a little to process, then the answer came with a sign of disinterest.

"Oh yeah, sure."

Not that he had something against that movie, he just wasn’t in the mood to watch anything. All he desired was to stop having those abnormal ideas. However, the universe was against his hopes yet again and he ended up sitting next to Minho on the floor, which meant having to deal with hands and knees touches every single time one of them shifted in the place. That was definitely not what he asked for right then. As to make things even worse, Minho had his head resting on his shoulder by the middle of the movie, ready to fall asleep like that. Usually, that shouldn't have been an out of the place interaction, but it was indeed making Jisung feel some type of way. And he was afraid of what that 'weird' actually meant : at a time, he might have started to like his fellow member more than as friends.

On the other hand, by no means did Minho perceive it as atypical, he liked it. He liked how comfortable he was, he liked the warmth his thighs were radiating under his. He liked him. _I like him?!_ The thought was so random that he brushed it off immediately. It was stupid, there was no possibility that he could like him that way, he was his bff. Of course Jisung had always been handsome. And talented. And the person he admired the most for his perseverance, hard work, the words that were always cheering him up, coming out from his pink and soft-looking lips-

 _No, no, no, we're not going there, Minho._ He concluded that he admired him just as his close friend and shifted his attention back to the movie, waiting for it to end and be able to lay in his cozy bed again.

* * *

Announcing their relationship did help them with the diffidence. Receiving such a positive response from the members relieved a part of the stress they had felt for the past weeks. They were accustomed to their new status, even though everything still felt jolly. Their little couple moments, even simply looking at each other, sent chills down their spines, stirring up the jungle in their stomachs.

However, their interactions brought a lot of teasing from the others as well, be it eye rolls or sounds of disgust. None of them actually meant it, it was just hilarious to see them flustered or shy, mainly Changbin. Besides, their reactions were also a way to avoid the possible tension, willing their relationship to be a subject they could easily talk about, not avoid like it was forbidden.

Gradually, the two boys learnt how to deal with the jokes and they could join the game and change things in their favour. They knew they wouldn't hold back from skinship forever; they weren't going to kiss in front of others, just to hold hands and snuggle, not to be the type of couple who couldn't get enough of each other.

What amazed Changbin the most was how relaxed and okay Felix was with everything. Baby Changbin didn't plan to seem weak in front of the Australian boy’s cuteness, though he secretly desired to cuddle and smooch him. The private time in their room wasn't sufficient though, they could only cuddle a little before bed time to avoid getting used to sleeping together yet. As for kissing, he always felt too shy to initiate one. Felix was the one who loved to place pecks on his cheeks and lips, but the older still needed some more time to stop being extremely timid about it.

The younger, on the other hand, was ready to do anything to help his boyfriend overcome his last of confidence. He was stuck between giving him time and getting as physical as possible with him in order to ease his reticence. In the end, the second option helped Changbin the most and it led to the first time when he kissed Felix, which was a memorable one. The smaller boy had been acting weird in their alone time, fixing different points on the wall and avoiding every inch of his lover. He was actually waiting for that courage boost, wishing to take his face in his hands and simply close the distance between them. When their time alone was coming to an end, he finally felt that push and did as planned. Their lips met in the sweetest and lovable way ever - Changbin poured all his affection and devotion, all the emotions he felt for the other, which he hadn't had the confidence required to show them. The lovely moment ended with Felix's grin, who then told his boyfriend how proud he was of his improvement and that he should have done that much longer ago.

* * *

Since Changbin was spending a lot of time at the 3racha studio, his boyfriend had to make sure he didn’t forget to eat well and take breaks often. They didn't intend to transform the working atmosphere into an uneasy one, therefore the older was always making excuses like getting some air or using the toilet. But it was too obvious when he was going out right after smiling at the text he had just received. Next time it happened, the two didn't held back anymore. What they wanted was to interact normally, with no uncomfortable moments of the lovebirds holding back from any kind of skinship. Right when he was getting out the door, Chan brought up the problem.

"Changbin-ah, tell Felix to say hi to us as well if he comes here, we're his friends after all."

"Exactly, I know he's your boyfriend and all but how can he only come to see you?! I'm hurt." Jisung continued with the most dramatic tone and gestures possible.

The boy didn't say anything and went out, ears the colour of a tomato speaking for him instead. It even made Felix question what had happened, not before giving him a hug.

"So uhm..." Changbin started off shyly. "They said that you should... greet them as well... when you come here..."

"They know?"

"Yeah..."

"Ah hyung, you should have been more subtle."

The older hit him lightly, pouting at his words.

"Now I have to go in with you?"

"No! I mean, you don't have to now... only if you want."

"Of course I want. But we have to stop being this awkward."

With Felix's boldness, they started spending time together in the 3racha studio, putting up with of Chan's squeaking sounds and Jisung's fake nauseated looks. They approved it as long as it wouldn't disturb their working hours, discovering then how good it felt to have a new face around from time to time. The freckles guy was always bringing them food and smiles on their faces, living up to his 'sunshine' nickname.

Afterwards, Felix began showing his hyung affection while others were in the room, putting his head on his shoulder or lap, sometimes even kissing his cheek. Changbin couldn't always stop himself from blushing, always loving their little moments, that was why he couldn't complain at all. They never became like those gross couples that couldn't take their hands off each other, no. They were just two young boys in love and Felix was known for showing his love through skinship, which Changbin also adored. The members too got used to seeing them so lovely-dovely, ignoring it most of the time. It couldn't be put in words how wonderful it felt to see their relationship being normalised and to know that everyone was completely okay with it. They considered that it was getting closer the happiest and most accomplished they could be, willing to do everything possible to never ruin the fairytale story they were living in.

* * *

In the midst of their relationship growing smoothly, their 1st month anniversary came and they were lucky enough to have a free day. Changbin bought him flowers as a gift, although not succeeding in hiding them from the members. Apart from that, they were kind enough to leave them alone to be able to celebrate in peace. It wasn't anything special, just the two of them sitting in Felix's bed, cuddling, talking, watching a movie and recharging their batteries.

Having a free day meant having time to talk to their parents as well, which always got them all emotional. Felix missed his family to an amount that only Chan could understand. Seeing them on a screen was nothing compared to a hug he'd receive in real life, but he had to wait much longer for that. The closer to those were his boyfriend's hugs, which were indeed the top competitor.

Changbin knew his mood would get down, thus he was prepared for comforting him. As soon as he ended the phone call and climbed back into his bed, Felix snuggled his head in the older's chest, letting his smell fill in his lungs. He could spent his whole day like that, not needing anything else.

The older kissed his forehead, deciding to stay silent and not worsen the situation.

Seeing him almost asleep, he couldn't possibly leave him alone and go to his own bed. He let the younger boy sleep on his arm and held him by the waist with the other one, legs tangled under the blanket. Changbin was drawing patterns on his back, which helped Felix fell asleep in minutes with a soft smile on his lips. In that moment, neither of them was imagining the shyness they'd feel the following morning and the numbness in Changbin's upper arm. Nonetheless, it was worth it. Felix was worth it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so proud of Changbin and Felix, they make me so soft (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ


	4. Is he someone to give it all?

Ever since the night of the coming out, Jisung felt his head would explode any moment from all the overthinking. The two lovebirds were now less hesitant with their interactions, looking at each other in the loveliest way possible and displaying their affection publicly as often as possible through holding hands and hugging. And that wasn't helping Jisung at all. Every single day, the cruel truth hit him harder and harder : that he wanted what they had. He wished to have someone like that too, someone to hug when all the negative sentiments were suffocating him, someone to share all the happy and bad moments with. He was craving to feel loved, nor by the fans, nor by his family or brother-like members, but in a romantic way. The only problem was that he wasn't allowed to date, how could he ever find the one to mean that for him? And what was even worse, all those sentences were always ending with the same word : Minho. Minho was everywhere, in his mind, in his senses, in his heart. No matter how much he tried to fight it, he meant something more to him. He was the boy he fell for, with no turning point.

Apart from the Minho thoughts, there were also the now usual worries his carrier brought him. He was always under the constant pressure and fear of not being enough, of having to do a lot better. He knew he didn't excel at everything he should have, that being dancing, rap and singing. He was scared that he would never be enough, no matter how much he worked.

When everything was starting to become unbearable, Jisung knew what he had to do : dance or transform his emotions into lyrics. Even though he should have taken advantage of the free time before the comeback preparations, he started spending nights in the practice room again, too sick of staying at the dorms and thinking about everything he tried to stay away from. In the breaks from dancing, he took his notebook out of his bag and started putting his emotions on paper. That until he remembered how his 3racha hyungs kept asking him why he had stopped coming to their studio and he couldn't just tell them Changbin and Felix were making him too lonely to do so. He didn’t like how impolite he looked towards his friends, he was really happy for them. He felt bad for the way he was behaving, for being such a bad friend, but at that time, he needed to deal with his problems on his own.

Dancing indeed lifted his spirits up. He would always give his all and, at the end of few songs played, he would just shut the lights off, lay down on the floor, close his eyes and simply not think. Focusing on his breath, his surrounding would go quiet, no sounds interrupting his peace. It was just himself, in his own bubble that nothing in the world could ever break. In that state, he wouldn't hear if someone entered the room.

Changbin and Chan figured out there could be something going on with Jisung and so did Minho. The only one that could help him was the latter boy, who had his own ways to help his friend. Minho observed his behaviour and knew he spent nights at the company, consequently he decided to go there one night and comfort him. Arriving and seeing the younger sit so peacefully in the dark, the hallway lights just slightly brightening his features, he could only stay still and admire them. The view was breathtaking. He had always found Jisung beautiful, yet he was amazed by it very often and that easily.

Being busy with adoring the sight, he as well hadn't noticed when Jisung moved.

"Aish hyung how can you show up like that, you scared me!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to, you were sitting too calmly and I didn't want to interrupt."

"Did you forget anything here?"

"No... uhm.... I came to talk to you."

"Why, did something happen?"

"No. I mean, yes, but not to me."

"To another member? Who?"

"You."

"Me? Nothing happened to me."

"Stop lying, we know you keep spending your nights here."

"Because I am training."

"No, I'm sure there's more happening to you and I’m here to help."

 _How can you help when the problem is you,_ Jisung almost said, but stopped himself just in time.

"I'm fine, don't worry."

"You're not and I cannot not worry."

Jisung wasn't going to give in this time, he couldn't let his hyung take control over all his senses once again and transform him into a weak being.

"We know there is going on. Changbin and Chan-"

He was cut off by Jisung before getting to the middle of the sentence.

"Ah you should have said they had sent you here. Are they really that upset I hadn't dropped by the studio?"

"They're not upset, Jisung, they're worried. Just like me. Can’t we just sit down and talk?"

"Talk about what?"

"About whatever is bothering us these days. And before you say that there's nothing, you know there are always many unpleasant thoughts torturing us."

Jisung was conflicted : his heart was screaming to be heard and healed by the boy standing next to him. He stood there, staring into his eyes and he felt naked, like an open book. All his efforts to keep his worries to himself seemed meaningless, his eyes were betraying the darkest parts he had tried awfully hard to keep hidden. He couldn't believe how his walls he had worked for a long time to build were falling brick by brick. He was scared of it, scared of what monster was hiding behind them and what he'd do because of it. What he was even more afraid of was the monster meeting the boy he excessively cherished, staining his pureness and peaceful aura.

While the demons kept his mind busy, he hadn't heard Minho saying his name while wiping his tears.

"Jisung-ah please say something…". Seeing him crying and not saying anything was a terrifying image.

"I'm sorry." he answered quietly, looking the other way. Jisung got up to leave, but he was held back by an arm holding his strongly.

"What's wrong? Why won't you talk to me? Why have you been ignoring me lately? I thought we were friends."

"We are. Friends."

His inner self wasn't satisfied with that response.

"Friends tell each other what's bothering them."

"Hyung, you already have enough to deal with, I don't want to burden you with my small inconveniences, okay?"

"But you're burdening me more by not telling. I’m really worried for you, Jisung."

"I'm just overthinking, it's nothing major. It will go away soon."

"It won't. We both know that very well."

Jisung didn't know what to say anymore to make the older give up.

"Jisung-ah you're never a burden, okay? And your feelings are valid. And you know it's bad to keep them all inside, you will burst at some point."

He knew that Minho was right. He was always telling the truth, he knew Jisung too well.

"It's just... just the usual things. The fear of not being enough, the pressure of having to be the best..."  
He partly gave in, hoping that giving basic excuses will help the situation.

"Jisung, you are enough. More than enough, you are one of the best idols out there."

"Yeah yeah you tell me that every time. But one second of having the guard down can destroy our whole careers."

"What are you saying?" He giggled. "Overthinking all the time will keep your career together? No, no. Taking a break from time to time won't make you less better at dancing, singing or rapping. It will help you a lot."

Of course everything he was saying was true. At the same time, the talk was still absurd while the real reason of his distress was staying hidden behind those idol struggles.

"Stop feeding your demons, Jisung-ah."

"Then take my food away."

Minho kissed him. He pressed his lips firmly against Jisung's and let them lingered there for few seconds, hoping to get any kind of answer. However, the younger didn't respond at all, so he backed away, regretting having made the atmosphere uncomfortable. Right then, acting on instinct, as if his rational thinking had gotten stolen, Jisung brought their faces together again, kissing him back passionately just like he'd been waiting since forever to do. Their lips were dancing together graciously, matching the rhythm of the butterflies flying around in their stomachs. They didn't part until their lungs were screaming for oxygen. In fact, both their hearts knew the other was oxygen they needed in order to live.

Jisung had a revelation while he put his head on Minho's shoulder, the latter hugging him. Maybe he could have what he desired without actually having to get a lover. Maybe Minho could be his comfort zone and he could be his without having to call it a relationship. No strings attached, just them helping each other. What did the word 'lovers' or 'boyfriends' mean after all? Just two individuals caring about each other, loving each other and displaying their affection. Their relation was fitting the explanation perfectly. Fundamentally, the definition of ‘love’ was ‘an intense feeling of deep affection’. He couldn’t lie, he felt a lot of things for Minho, the majority unable to put in words – admiration, affection; he was his inspiration, the person who helped him get up when he fell, the person whom he wanted to tell everything but for whom was also scared of washing out his true colour with his own grey woods of mind. All Jisung could do was hope that he meant the same for the other boy, that he could return all the times he got unconditional support, that he would always be the one to hold his hand like he did when Minho rapped for the first time.

His hyung interrupted his thoughts with a question.

"Can we head back now? It's getting late. And you should sleep."

Jisung nodded, getting up from his arms. He found it too awkward to say anything, but by the time he gathered his things, he decided that it was only awkward as long as they made it be that way.

"Hyung, I'm… I’m sorry for ignoring you. I kept all that distance because I had to deal with some things on my own."

"It's fine, I understand. But when you are going through a hard time next time, please remember that I'm always here for you."

"Thank you, hyung. It means a lot."

On the way back, since it was too late to be noticed by any soul on the streets, Jisung grabbed Minho’s hand, surprising the latter. Truth be told, they liked that. They wanted to enjoy those kind of moments without any worries, to make it their own world and just be themselves, without barriers or expectations. Just two boys consoling each other's broken hearts.

After they finally got in their beds, it was Minho's time to doubt their friendship. Did he really feel something or was it just loneliness? Wouldn't loneliness mean yearning anyone to show him love? He didn't want anyone, just one person. Or was it because the younger kept showing him attention? He was known as the teaser among the group; despite that, in their hard times, others showed him compassion as well. The _"do I like Jisung?"_ question was so annoyingly persistent that he decided to google it. Among the thousands and thousands of words, there were some that drawn his curiosity : was he jealous thinking about him with other people? Sure, right now they were not really allowed to date as idols, yet there would come a time when they'd all have their own love lives. What did he think about Jisung getting a lover? Could he imagine being his lover? He for sure pictured them by each other’s side many years later, albeit not sure about the status. What did even being a lover mean?

In spite of all those never-ending doubts, he couldn’t resist the exhaustion that had taken over his body. He wished to stay awake, to find the answers he needed so desperately, but it was worthless as he fell into a deep slumber right away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the shortest chapter but I'd say the emotion makes up for it hihi  
> I've always loved Minho's and Jisung's connection, knowing how to help each other, it's truly something unique <3


	5. Stuck with a phobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because you are all I have after all.

Even if they had a short moment of expressing their true feelings, they never felt the urge to put a label. They found it somehow foolish, that labels were making everything much more complicated by implying unnecessary social ‘dos and don’ts’, thus why disrupt the peaceful way they were following when they could simply enjoy what they had, without taking any risk? And so there they were – having an undefined relationship, or, in other words, just avoiding having a real talk about them, too frightened by its effects.

From the point when they decided to be themselves, they were indeed happier. It really helped them both to have somebody to go to when they were sad, with no holding back. They were back to the old themselves, cuddling and teasing each other. It was like they were living in a dream.

Slowly, they started becoming just like a couple, snuggling and kissing each other's cheeks without it always being a contest. Sometimes they'd catch the other off guard, earning a gentle look or a tight hug. Once, they were watching a movie, sitting next to each other like always. By the half of the movie, they were cuddling, looking really cozy together. Jisung put his legs over Minho's, resting his head on his shoulder. Naturally, the older put his arm around his waist, getting as comfortable as possible. He liked how Jisung's skinny figure was feeling under his hand, like it was made to be touched only by him. Shifting his head, he noticed how good his hair was smelling. The aroma of his shampoo was filling his lungs and heart, a single affirmation busying his entire mind : how much he adored the little boy. Then, he pressed a light kiss against his head, not wanting to disturb his peace. Jisung lifted his head, throwing the typical "shocked squirrel" face the other adored so much. Minho moved his look back to the movie, seeing with the corner of his eyes how the younger smiled softly, putting his head back in the previous position. 'Cute' was the only word running through his head.

Afterwards, the comeback preparations started. And, with it, their free time ended and the constant pressure and anxiety came back into their lives. They were looking forward to see Stays again and, at the same time, to show them their greatest version as a reward for the love they had always shown.

They tried their best to encourage each other, to make the atmosphere lively. They kept making jokes, behaving like clowns just to make the others laugh. But the practice breaks were barely enough to cool off and hydrate themselves. The skinships became very rare, refusing to touch each other while being that sweaty and gross. Changbin and Felix seemed like they were dating in secret, only hugging or holding hands for a brief moment at the end of the short free time, giving each other the power they needed to keep going. The advantage of those times was that they could even kiss freely without others teasing them, being too busy with catching their own breath to mind them.

However, for Jisung and Minho, things stopped going that well. Since the last time, they kissed few more times, without giving it a special meaning; just them being best friends. Their closeness made 3racha and Felix question their status again while they were at the studio. The boy always answered nonchalantly that they were just being good friends, enjoying each other's presence and comforting the other when he was down.

Unconsciously, both of them knew that their "unrisky" relationship wouldn't last forever. There would come a time when one of them would get a lover and they were kind of scared of it. After all, they were each other's first kisses. And how were they supposed to act then? Would they still be close?

All the questions were buried deep down in their minds, and the new album release preparations was the perfect time to avoid them completely. Therefore, they tuned down their skinship with the pretext that they didn't want to have any distractions. They had to focus on the album and Stays only and nothing else.

In reality, the fact that they weren't more than friends hurt both of them indescribably, both of them believing it wasn’t reciprocated. There was a continuous war inside them - the rational part, that constantly reminded them of the reasons why they couldn't date, and the sentimental one, that couldn't take it anymore, their hearts about to irreversibly break into a million pieces. Yet none of that made them spend less time together until the comeback period started. The busy schedule was the perfect chance to back off and deal with the problem separately. Their goal was to get rid of those useless ideas, but it was definitely easier said than done. Especially because they were seeing each other every day and they couldn't forget how handsome and talented the other was or how well he looked in that outfit.

Things got even more complicated when Minho had to help Jisung with several moves, then when they had to watch each other record their parts in the songs. The older was absolutely crazy for the rapper's swag while the latter was in love with his hyung's honey-like voice. If they didn't had the work to focus on, they would have gone crazy long before.

They were pretending to be fine, although inside it was all a mess. The desire for having the other close to them in a romantic way was getting stronger, although in reality they were so far away, like the sun and the moon. It couldn't be put in words how much it was wrecking them. Going from besties to behaving like strangers in such a short time would be if not the worst thing to ever happen to a human being.

There was one more thing on their minds : not letting the members know. They didn't stop fooling around together no matter how less they wished to do it, only reduced the physical contact drastically. Now they were barely making eye contact, one of them breaking it in what felt like 0.001 seconds. And that was the hardest part of them all, having to keep interacting with each other, acting like nothing happened. The last thing they intended to cause was to ruin the group's balance with their stupid problems. They had to keep going and concentrate on more important matters, not on their dilemmas that they had to solve alone anyway.

* * *

Weeks of continuous practice went by like that. Every day was a new fight they had to go through, no matter how endless it seemed. Like that, the music video filming and recording days came, making their days even more crowded. As they were shooting behind the scenes as always, they had to let go of everything for that day, to ignore the unspoken thoughts that were so overwhelming. _'Just like before, you can do it'._ Although they were relatively new in the industry, they were professionals and no one could doubt that they were any less than buddies.

Weeks turned into months and the comeback came. The days that were before full of practice and recordings were transforming into ones full of shows and stages, sleepless nights staying the same. However, the atmosphere during practice time was now more relaxed, they could afford fooling around with the choreography here and there and all the efforts were paid back with lots of love from the fans, feeling like they could do anything with that long awaited recharge.

The less stressed times for Stray Kids didn't really apply to Jisung and Minho. They started having more time to think about each other, especially in cars before they fell asleep. They weren't by any chance close to finding answers to their dilemmas. They even started to dream about the other a lot. Sometimes it was just them smiling and being happy together, waking up in a delighted mood. Other times it was mixed, with scenes of joy, then fights and sadness, ending up with them goofy from early in the morning. There were also times when they forgot their dreams, just something telling them it had the other boy in it.

There was one dream that remained clear in Jisung's mind. They were at Minho's home and the younger was watching him playing with his cats, the ones he could talk about 24/7. Everyone knew how much he loved them, yet right then it was filling the whole room and Jisung's heart with unspeakable delight. He was there, few feet apart from the boy he adored immensely, watching him giggling so lighthearted. That soft side he could rarely see made his heart skip a beat every single time. He wanted to stay there forever and look at him pet his kids, the only necessity he had. Next, his body acted like it wasn't connected to his brain. He got up and walked straight to Minho and pressed his lips against the older's, him responding to the kiss with a tenderness beyond description. After they parted, Minho said "Aish, not in front of the children, Jisung-ah", being the same witty person he loved so much. When he wake up, it felt too real, like they had just kissed in real life. But no, that hadn't happened for a long time, it was just a long forgotten memory. When he faced Minho in the hallway not much later, he kept seeing the delicate boy playing with his fluffy balls of fur and that couldn't stop him from melting like a snowman under the sun. _"It was just a fake face of this devil, Jisung"_ he had to tell himself to keep his sanity.

Even so, those scenes kept replaying in his mind later at the dace practice. Slowly, it was turning into jealousy, becoming mad at the Jisung from the dream for the amount of luck he had. All that while he had to stand Minho talking to Hyunjin about his cats, trying to hide that specific smile. He liked what he saw, a grinning Minho in a black sleeveless top. The problem was that he was craving for that image to be only his. As if it wasn't enough, he started being jealous of Hyunjin as well. Why couldn't it be him the one stranding near Minho? Why couldn't they be happy together just like in his dream? Why did it have to be like that?

Jisung couldn't take it anymore, so he suddenly got out of the room towards the bathroom. If only he knew how Minho was always looking at him from distance, getting highly concerned when he saw him leaving. On the way there, the old scenes between them in the practice room kept playing in his head. The sleepless nights when he'd overwork himself to get rid of the stress, when Minho came to take him to the dorms and rest, when he kissed him, driving away his negative thoughts. It was the moment when everything was too much. He couldn't take anymore how their relationship changed and how it might have been irreparable. He missed his best friend, but it seemed impossible to ever be like before, to ever be friends at least. Tears were running down his cheeks as his legs have given up supporting him, causing him to rest on the floor against a wall of the spacious bathroom. His hand was trying its best to cover the sobs representing his soul screaming from all the pain.

Lucky him, Felix have been observing him the whole day, figuring out what was going on. He noticed how Jisung kept staring at Minho, getting lost in his thoughts while not moving his eyes an inch. The way he starred at the two talking was pretty obvious, accentuated by his sudden leaving.

He immediately hugged Jisung when he saw him, eyes watering from the scene displayed in front of him. It hurt him seeing his friend like that, he couldn't even think how much the boy was hurting. While caressing his back, he kept whispering to him that everything would be okay, that he was there for him. It made Jisung cry harder for the moment while it actually helped him a lot. With one hand, Felix got his phone out of his pocket, quickly texting his boyfriend to find a way to lengthen the break.

It didn't take too long for Jisung to calm down. The freckles boy's hugs were like magic, they could make anyone feel better in seconds.

"Let's get up and wash that handsome face of yours, okay?", he said with a hopeful grin.

Jisung did as heard, not daring to look in his direction.

"Felix. Could you... keep this a secret, please? Especially from Chan... and ..."

He couldn't say his name, not yet.

"Of course. But remember that I'm always here for you and I will help you, okay?"

"Thanks." It was all he could answer, still not glancing at him.

"You should talk to him, though. As soon as possible."

"It's okay, I will wait until promotions are over."

"But this is not okay. You should solve your problems."

"We will, don't worry. We just have one more week until the break, anyway."

After a short pause, he continued. "You can go ahead, I will use the restroom first."

He wasn't ready to go back there and face him, he would never be. However, he had to find a way to do it. He was wondering how much time he spent there or if others caught on what was happening. All the wondering seemed somehow distant, like they were separated by the walls of a box. And inside the box, the air was filled by a single word : Minho.

Changbin walked directly to Felix when he came back.

"What happened? Where's Jisung?"

"He's coming soon, don't worry. Let's talk later." he responded with a sad smile, trying not to worry him.

Chan then asked him the same question, getting the same answer. His wish of not receiving any other query became reality.

When Jisung entered the room, all eyes were on him, yet he was avoiding a particular side of the room.

"Are you okay, did something happen?", Chan asked right away.

"Yes, I'm sorry for the delay, it's just indigestion."

"Take care of yourself, Jisung-ah, and tell us if you don’t feel too well, okay? Your health is the top priority.", the leader finished with a pat on his shoulder, receiving a nod.

Minho was watching them from far away, knowing that Jisung was hiding something. He was urging to know why he had left in such a rush, Felix going after him. But he wasn't in the position to go help his friend anymore, all he could do was stay still and worry. It hurt him too, just as bad. He couldn't describe the pain he felt from not being close with Jisung anymore. It was the most awful thing they could ever go through. He would have done anything to wipe out those sentiments and turn back time to the happy old days. At the same time, he didn't know how to do that and, unlike Jisung, he was alone in that fight. It wasn't about not trusting his members, he just considered that being part of the hyung line meant being always there for his younger members, and for that he must have looked like everything was under control. He also refrained from burdening Chan as he was having enough as their leader, and Changbin- well, it just felt weird telling someone who was in a relationship about his lacking love life. On top of all of those, he thought - more like hoped - that it was going to pass sooner or later, there was no need to bother someone else with it while he could solve them on his own. There had to be a way, every problem has its solutions, right?

Felix told Changbin via text what had happened on the way to their next place in the agenda, also deciding to wait a little more until actually talking to Jisung. Which they did, it occurred only the next day, at the end of the schedules. Since them and Chan were sharing the room, they managed to call Jisung over when the leader wasn't around. The boy in cause was staying silent, not knowing how to start the subject.

"So... I guess that... you know... you... like him?" Felix started of hesitantly, trying not to make it difficult for him.

Jisung just stared at the wall, playing nervously with his bottom lip and fingers. He still didn't have the courage to admit it.

"Ah you finally stopped denying it.", Changbin added. "And he likes you too, I'm sure of it."

"He doesn't. And even if he did, we couldn't... uhm... date."

"What? Why not?"

"Because you and Changbin-hyung are already dating and... it wouldn't be okay to have one more couple."

"But you think it's better to stay like this? It won't be long until Chan-hyung finds out."

"Find out what?" Chan was standing in the doorway, looking at the three members curiously, which made Jisung almost scream in his hands.

"What are you hiding from me?"

"That Jisung isn't taking care of himself."

At this point, he had no idea what inner voices to follow. A part of him wanted his friend to know and offer a little encouragement, the other was telling him to fight those urges and his feelings towards Minho. He was guilty of many things, for never telling the leader why he had stopped going to the studio for a while, why he was always looking so down.

"I'm sorry.", those was the first words to come out for his mouth that night. "There are many things I haven't told you guys, especially Chan-hyung, but right now it's late-"

"No, no, no, you are staying here and we are talking this out.", Changbin stopped him from getting up from Felix's bed.

"Changbin's right. I mean, I respect your decision if you can’t let me know of some personal problems you have, but I'm always here to listen and to help you."

Jisung analysed the situation for a while. It was all too much, he knew it. He was probably ready to get everything off his chest, he only lacked a moment of boldness. For that, he looked at them one by one, receiving kind and worried mixed looks.

"I like Minho-hyung, I really do, in a very romantic way. I've been fighting these feelings since forever, trying to get rid of them and just be friends. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. Now it's even harder to reject them and I... I just miss my friend. I want him as a friend, if only all these stupid thoughts disappeared and we went back to normal..."

There, he did it. He said everything that had been on his mind for the past weeks, maybe months. His chest felt lighter and heart more broken at the same time. It hurt him to admit the truth, to agree that he and Minho were more distant than ever.

"Why do you want to be just friends?" Chan asked, knowing the most probable answer, but provoking Jisung to say it out loud.

"We can't be anything more. I'm... I'm too afraid to. And I don't think it would work."

"Jisung-ah, remember when us three talked in the studio about me being too scared to respond to Felix's question? You told me to listen to my heart and let myself be happy and that only he could have shuttered my fears away. I did it and look at us now, even if there are ups and downs, we are happy together. It was the best choice I could have ever make. And now, I'm giving you the same advice : talk to him, listen to your heart, not mind, and be happy. Together. That's the most wonderful choice you could ever make."

At that monologue, Chan couldn't even put in words how happy he was for his friends. Felix was all giggly at his boyfriend's beautiful words, hardly holding back from hugging him as tight as he could. On the other hand, Jisung was resting his head sadly on his knees, processing everything he had heard.

He knew the only option was to talk to Minho. On the other hand, he was terrified that his inner beast would somehow make it be their last discussion.

"Look, I'm pretty sure he likes you back. Letting that apart, you two have been close friends for such a long time. You have a connection that is basically unbreakable, so I am convinced you can talk this out and solve every misunderstanding you have. I trust you two."

That was what he was short of, a reminder that after everything, he couldn’t forget what Minho meant to him, they had to find a way.

"I will talk to him after promotions are over. I can last one more week."

"Don't forget you have three witnesses right here, so you can't go back on your words, okay?"

"Okay, okay."

"Group hug?" The oldest proposed with the biggest grin possible.

Against Changbin's protests, they all reunited in a big group hug, finishing with another mini-speech from Chan.

"I'm really proud of all three of you, okay? And I believe in you, I know that you are strong and you can overcome everything."

With that, Jisung's therapy ended and he finally went to sleep, realising how calm the sea was in his head. _So that was all I had to do for a moment of quiet, huh?_

* * *

During the next week, Jisung went through two moods : at first, he felt better with all the help and encouragement he received from his friends. Few days later, he started to face the burden. He felt the day coming closer and that his life would change drastically from then on. At the end of the last day before the long-awaited break, he was laying in his bed, facing the ceiling. Although he was still scared of it, he had to find a method to do it. Something had to be changed, they couldn't go on like that. How could he start it? "Hey Minho, I know we haven't talked lately but I like you but I'm getting over you."? All the options he could think of were either awkward, either sucked. Finally, he fell asleep while imagining uncountable scenarios, none of the applying in the real life.

The next morning, he was in the same spot, with no plan of beginning the talk. The simplest option was simply asking him to talk, but he knew how stressful that sentence was. He decided to continue the brainstorming session after having breakfast, aiming to come up with some fresh ideas once his stomach was full.

Arriving in the kitchen, life had an unexpected scheme for him : there was Minho, secretly having the same wish as him, to take advantage of the free time and repair their relationship. They maintained the eye contact for a few seconds, like it was the first time they met. Both their pair of eyes were burning with the same desire, urging to let out all the unspoken words.

"Can-"

"Can-"

They spoke at the same time, seeming it was decided beforehand.

"You first."

"No, you, hyung."

"Can... can we talk?"

Jisung was speechless, a little taken aback by his proposal. Was he thinking the same as him, that they had to do something about their broken friendship?

"Yes. I also wanted us to… talk."

"You should eat first, though." There he was, the protective Minho that had always been taking care of him.

"No, no, it's fine. I'm not that hungry."

Silence filled the room together with awkwardness. They were both scared of making a wrong step and ruining everything more than it already was.

"Should we... go to the rooftop?" The older asked, analysing that it was the most suitable place where they could be alone. Talking with Jisung was more stressful than his height phobia, knowing he will be alright with him there.

Dressed well enough to fight the morning coldness, they climbed the stairs, reaching the open terrace of their flat. The scenery in front of their eyes was breathtaking, seeing the city come to life under them. It had been a while since they last went there, even so, the only thing that changed was them.

"I'm sorry for our relationship turning so... cold. I never intended to and it had been horrible. I just... I want us to go back to normal again." _But I'm afraid it's not possible,_ he didn't get to say.

"I like you, hyung."

Minho turned his head instantly, not believing what he just said. Was the boy next to him confessing to him? Was he dreaming? Jisung didn't initially plan to confess his crush that way, still the atmosphere gave him an impulse. He figured it was a "now or never" situation and that he missed his friend too much to hide the truth from him.

"That's it, that's the truth. The reason why I avoided you this whole time was because I didn't know how to get rid of these feelings. They are suffocating and persistent, to the point where I can't deny it anymore. I like you more than friends, in the most romantic way possible, but I can’t afford to lose you. I need my best friend back, and I have to find a way to live with these emotions until they go away, with you by my side."

"Are... are you serious?" Minho couldn't believe his ears.

Jisung felt like he couldn't reply anymore, a knot stopping his voice. He was trying hard to process the fact that he had just confessed to his hyung. If he were to tell his past self that he would reach that moment, that Jisung would have laughed hysterically at that aberration.

"Jisung-ah. Do you really have feelings for me?"

The younger didn't dare to look into his eyes until Minho positioned himself right in front of him. They were standing so close that they could sense each other's breath warming their faces. Jisung could just nod once and break the eye contact.

"Good. Because I like you too, Jisung-ah."

The older was amazed how he went from completely denying the option of their relationship to being such courageous in front of the boy he liked. He couldn't hide his happiness, his heart was in a marathon, the butterflies were speeding again in his stomach. At that moment, nothing else mattered to him. Not that they were idols, not that there were many cons against their relationship. It was just him and Jisung, finally revealing the truth, and all he could think about was the younger's lips on his.

He started to close the distance between them, but Jisung pulled away suddenly. His heart was aching and his mind was filled with darkness again. He couldn't forget about all the reasons why they shouldn't be that intimate.

"What's wrong?"

"Everything."

"What, more exactly?"

"This. We can't do this, it's not okay. We can't... date."

"Why?"

"You know why. Our jobs, our friendship. I can't risk to lose you, hyung. And I'm sure that will happen if... you know."

"How are you so sure?"

"Because we will fight, we can’t avoid that. And there's no turning back from this choice."

"We may fight, but we will make up."

"What if we don't? What if one day it's all over and we won't have each other anymore? What will we do then?" His voice cracked towards the end, finishing the sentence in a quiet voice.

"That won't happen, Jisung-ah. I know we will both give our best to keep this going. And our best will be enough."

Jisung was staring at a building far away, biting his bottom lip. The fact that the decision they were about to take would change their lives forever was beyond pressuring. He knew his fears were unreasonable and that there was an easy way to destroy them, but it was a though choice to make.

Minho wasn't going to give up though, taking Jisung's freezing hands in his. He was the only one who could help him open up and win the war with his murky side.

"Hey. You know you can tell me everything. What are you most scared of?"

Once again, he had the power over Jisung's senses. He could make anyone confess their fears with just few words and his kind look, creating an impenetrable shield around them where nothing bad could happen.

"I'm scared of you meeting my demons, yet you're the only one who can push them away.", Jisung finally admitted, looking straight into his eyes. There, he saw love, compassion, tenderness, reassuring him that it was safe to speak up his mind, that no evil entity could stand the protection he was receiving.

Minho giggled a little, making his heart melt even more.

"Oh but I know how to deal with them, I'm not scared. You should know they don't have a chance in front of me."

The sassy side that always had Jisung roll his eyes was back and he missed it a little. Still, he wasn't wrong. The gloomy emotions, probably too intimidated, really seemed to be replaced by sunnier ones around the boy. He had indeed a warm, caring soul and probably the only antidote to his demons in the world. What Jisung didn’t know at that time was that he meant the same for the older boy.

Ultimately, Jisung connected their lips in a sweet, full of passion and love kiss, different from all the past ones. Minho was taken aback at first, immediately putting his hands around the other's waist afterwards, like he could bring him any closer. Jisung was running his fingers through the other's hair, playing with the soft locks. Their lips were moving together with such harmony, that until they remained out of air. They united their foreheads, not parting that soon.

Jisung was the first to break the silence.

"So..."

"So..."

"Now what?"

"I don't know, maybe kiss me again?”, Minho asked with a smirk.

"Ugh no.", Jisung pushed him away playfully.

Minho's arms were holding his body tightly and they only ended up closer. One hand went up to his face and they were kissing again, not getting enough of the other's taste. They kissed again. And again. And again.

"Do we need a word to define us?", the taller asked.

"I know it brings pressure, but... not having one back then was kinda stressful."

"Whatever makes you feel good, love."

"Eww don't call me that, it’s too cheesy."

"Shut up, I know you secretly love it."

"I don't. And I can't breathe, let me go."

But Minho wasn’t planning to let him go ever again. He willed to have him in his arms forever, to always receive his warmth, apart from the hottest days.

"Would you give me the honour to be your boyfriend, Jisung-ah?"

"When you ask me like that, no."

"Come ooon, don't ruin the moment."

"Yes, of course."

"Of course what?"

_First day and he's already like that... what did I get myself into?,_ Jisung thought, actually wearing a smile on his lips. He had missed that boy indescribably much.

"Yes, I want to be your boyfriend, Minho."

"Perfect. Then we're boyfriends now."

They intervened their fingers, realising it was going to take a while to get used to it. Nonetheless, all that mattered at the time was them being together, holding hands while standing on the rooftop at 10am. Jisung rested his head on Minho's shoulder, admiring the picturesque view once again. A new chapter of their lives had started, about to bring with it lots of highs and lows. Even so, as long as they had each other, they were ready to face it all and live every moment to the fullest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the parts in which Jisung is having it hard broke my heart (ಥ﹏ಥ)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading till the end!!  
> It took me some months to end this whole fanfic, but I think I can say that I'm satisfied with it, especially with the ending.  
> Lastly, special thanks to two of my friends who supported me through all of it and encouraged me to keep up the hard work (◕‿◕✿)⁽ᶦᵘ ⁺ ᵐ⁾

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, it means a lot <3


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